No no no no no no no no no
Four shots of espresso, whole milk.
With a “K.”
Comfort food—lentil soup, mashed potatoes, scrambled eggs, anything soft, anything warm, anything I can crawl into.
The strong circle your arms make around me.
Interrupting a sob with a chuckle.
I don’t know how to be a permanent address.
Why must I be good?
Deep breath, turn out the lights, soft bed, alone.
Alone. Alone. Alone
Wrap body around pole in train, hold on, shield eyes.
Sunglasses, but to hide tears.
Crying through dinner in a restaurant.
The distance of fiction, the immediacy of memoir.
Suck it in, button it up.
Hot shower at the crack of dawn.
This can’t be real life.